{"id":929,"date":"2019-05-06T21:06:19","date_gmt":"2019-05-06T15:36:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.aradhanamishra.com\/?p=929"},"modified":"2019-05-06T21:06:19","modified_gmt":"2019-05-06T15:36:19","slug":"smart-and-independent-yet-she-chooses-to-stay-with-her-philandering-husband-why-is-there-any-connection-between-this-and-the-me-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aradhanamishra.in\/?p=929","title":{"rendered":"Smart and Independent- yet she chooses to stay with her \u2018philandering husband\u2019-Why? Is there any connection between this and the \u2018Me too\u2019!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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She is smart, intelligent and working at a level that could conjure begrudging. Married to a Govt Officer who is much respected for his vision, work and ethics, and with two children pursuing their higher education in prestigious institutions- Raina is someone in whose shoes, anyone would love to  glide into! After all, could there be a more perfect family! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

No one could really blame Raina* for carrying the aura of a queen who commanded utmost respect \u2013 at least just till few months ago. After that the bitter truth revealed itself to her that nothing could be really perfect, not even the outwardly perfect looking family! She found out that her husband had been cheating on her, that too for years! Seeped in a culture that had trust, loyalty as its motto, she didn\u2019t really think that anything like that could ever happen to her!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kriya*\ntoo had something similar to share with her friends! The script was hauntingly\nsimilar to Raina\u2019s story! She too is a pretty looking, confident (no longer so)\nand financially independent woman. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nthen are these stories only of Raina\u2019s and Kriya\u2019s?  Apparently not. About 75 percent Indian\nmarried man cheat on their wives, even though may not necessarily revealed to\ntheir wives. Incidentally and ironically, most of the women who get to know\nabout it, choose to let go of this \u2018infidelity\u2019 and \u2018forgive\u2019 their men! While\nI could understand the reason cited by the women who were financially dependent\non their husbands, I simply couldn\u2019t fathom the reason of financially\nindependent women to continue with their cheating partners! I tried to find it\nout! It helped that my \u2018subjects\u2019\nwere willing to share their stories!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self critical –<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Were these men unhappy? Far from that! Men don\u2019t cheat because they are unhappy. Men cheat because they think they can get away with it and because they\u2019re willing to let themselves get away with it. They often underestimate the emotional ramifications of their actions.  They think, \u201cwell, I just did this but in every other way I\u2019m reliable, I\u2019m responsible, I\u2019m committed, I show up, I\u2019m a good guy. It\u2019s just the cheating.\u201d  On the other hand, it can be quite devastating for women who end-up doubting their self-worth. Talking to them I realized that they tend to become self-critical and easily guilted into being responsible for others. They also easily accept excuses from them and make excuses for them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideal\nwomen syndrome- <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a\ntypical Indian society, Women are burdened with the responsibility of keeping\nthe family and its \u2018honour\u2019 together. Also, she can be manipulated to think\nthat the onus of a husband cheating, lies on her as well. More often than not,\nthe cheating husband blatantly hints that she is responsible for his cheating\nbut not before trying to assert that his \u2018relationship\u2019 with the other women\nare purely friendly and she is the one doubting it unnecessarily! On being\nproved otherwise, he puts the blame entirely on her saying that she doesn\u2019t give\nher enough time, or she is not presentable enough or her temperament is not\nmatching to his!!! Unfortunately, the guilt switch can get easily flicked in a\nwoman. After all, she was supposed to be perfect, virtuous woman in her head,\nand when a man shifts the blame to her, most women accept the blame that is not\neven theirs! Surprisingly (or is it so?) there is really no socially acceptable\nexcuse for a woman to cheat because she is supposed to be virtuous. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society not too safe and accommodating \u2013 <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It didn\u2019t come as a surprise that in addition to the aforementioned reasons, they also continue being in the marriage, thinking that it\u2019s easier to handle one person\u2019s \u2018infidelity\u2019 and continue with the feeling of safety and security than living on their own and feeling unsafe in an Indian society that\u2019s largely hostile towards women in general and to single woman in particular. In a society like ours, women can be forgiven to feel, even if perceptually (or in reality), that she will not be okay alone! So, between being able to blame \u201chormones\u201d in men and blame the evil other woman, a woman can make and accept enough excuses to accept an unaccountable man back and avoid having to make any changes in her life. Especially if there are kids. More often than not we hear this wishful and defensive tone in her voice and how things are better. But one knows that it is often just a temporary fix until the next time it happens.( have to say though that the rule of exceptions apply here as well)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Difficult to let go of\nthe resources and status the man provides, besides the feeling of safety-<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may not be politically correct to say something of this nature, but then this is a reality in today\u2019s world. Being married to a man without good character, honor or integrity is no doubt a painful experience for most women, yet they often stay!<\/strong> Sometimes it has to do with the strength and resources the man provides, and sometimes it is just the perception of the stability he provides, even if the man, in reality, is hurting her life. The wealthier and powerful a man is, the more is the chance that the wife will \u2018forgive\u2019! Women often don’t want to give up access to the social position, security, status and resources that comes with the marriage to the powerful man, whether these assets are real or perceived. This perhaps provides one solid reason as to why even financially independent women \u2018forgive\u2019 their cheating husbands!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gullible and Malleable-<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not only\nIndian, women universally are wired to trust, especially when everything else\nis against them. They easily trust a statement like \u201cI am sorry, this wouldn\u2019t happen\never again! You are the one for me, nothing else matters to me\u201d! Unfortunately,\nstudies suggest, they rarely mean it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now\ncoming to the other part of the write-up, it appears to me that somewhere, \u2018being\nforgiven\u2019 emboldens men and there is a strong probability that they might go on\nto cross the boundary of consensual relationship and spill into the territory\nof forced liaisons! And that\u2019s the \u2018Me too\u2019 territory! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I strongly feel that perhaps there would be a smaller number of \u2018Me too\u2019 stories, if women conjure up courage and come out of a marriage that\u2019s based on shaky grounds and shattered trust, instead of forgiving ‘repeat offenders’ ! But then I also understand that it\u2019s easier said than done!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*Names\nhave been changed<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is going to be a follow up write-up\nto find ways to heal and remain in the relationship, that is, if one decides to\nforgive and forget in true sense and move ahead.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 Aradhana Mishra<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photo credit: iPleaders Blog<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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